letting go
by Robin Silverman
Summary: resubmited, everyone thinks it was spocks father that got spock to let go, how wrong they were. rating for refrences to abuse.


AN: sorry i'm reposting this, a couple of spelling errors where braught to my attention so i have corected them, i don't own Star Trek, hust whats in my head. R.S.

Letting Go

Everyone on the enterprise assumes that it was Spock's father that got Spock to let go of Jims throat, but only Spock knows what really happened.

"…You never loved her."

That simple statement said by the very infuriating James T. Kirk pushed Spock over the edge. Spock felt the rage boil and over flow, like a pot of water with something starchy in the water left on the stove top unattended. His sight narrowed to just the man standing in front of him. The man with his blond hair, and demon blue eyes, bruises littering his face, and in those eyes a solid wall of resolve, and desperation. Spock's narrowed sight tinted green with rage and somewhere in the distance of his brain her heard a primal scream of rage.

When going back over the tape he would relate it to a war cry from early Vulcan history.

His mind didn't process that the man in front of him was a human and there for much weaker than him. All he wanted to do was shut the man up, he felt his fist connect with Kirk's soft flesh. felt his arms jar with impact as Kirk blocked his wild attack. He heard Kirk crash back onto the consol. But it was when his hand clamped down on Kirks throat, that he truly registered the man below him.

When his hands clamped around Kirks throat, he was assaulted by emotions, fear, rage, envy, loneliness, sadness, and guilt.

In his minds eye he was what Kirk saw, a large menacing figure standing over him, and somehow he felt like a child, trying to hide from an unseen force, trying to run from the sounds of fazzers, and the ancient sounds of a shotgun. The screams of those around him. Spock lost himself in the images flashing in his mind. Children running and being shot down, families trying to protect each other. With those images came the feeling of utter horror and fear. The images reminded him of old history vid's of the human genocide and massacre and war. The images changed and warped into, that of and older man in his fifty's reaching for him, touching him, the feel of whet spittle and sticky slim spilling into him. The feel of disgust and hate and, fear. The mans face changed into that of a younger man, fist launching at him kicks to the stomach.

Blinding red rage burned as the images faded, suddenly spock found himself staring at the stars, the sounds of screaming and braking glass behind him. He was a child again, his brother was gone, his mother mad, his teachers ignorant and the car he washed every day gleaming at him. He hated that car, he hated his family, the boy raged at himself for being to weak to prevent what happened at night, to weak to stop the screams to weak to destroy that car.

The memories faded and Spock found himself a teen watching as parents hug their children, as boys and girls laughed or complained to their parents, and all Jim could do was hitch a ride home or 'pay' his way back to his 'fathers' farm. He scoffed at the thought of father, how could a man you never knew be your father, how could a man who took pleasure in torturing you be a parent. How could a woman who never once called you by your name be your mother. He looked around him and had the urge to scream and rage and rant at those people to hate them for having it so good, to hate them because they weren't there years ago on tarsus IV, they had families, they could laugh with and cry with, they had families they could yell at. And when the envy died the empty feeling of loneliness penetrated his heart, it felt as bad as a knife wound, he wanted to drop to his knees and cry, he wanted someone to look at him, to see him for who he was, not the delinquent, not the genius but James just James.

That memory faded to be replaced by another, a small child sat at the top of stairs looking as his brother and mother sat watching the halo screen laughing and happy, the boy folded his arms on his knees and laid his head down watching his family and letting the tears roll down.

"Spock!" the voice of his father penetrated his mind, he was sure Sarek knew what was going on between Spock and Jim, and frankly Spock didn't Care, for some reason he need more of Jims mind, he was searching for something. Then he found it.

It was a replay of the fight the attempt at getting a reaction from him. The rising guilt that permeated every fiber of his being, in his mind as he saw the fight two words chanted in his head ,"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry," it was that and the memories now rushing through his mind that brought Spock back, it was the realization that he had lost himself in Jim's mind, it was the feeling of envy that they shared and sadness and loneliness, and anger, but it was also the slight feeling of envy directed towards him, at knowing his mother, at having a father, at being loved by a family. And the hate Jim directed at himself for doing what he believed he must. And the guilt for doing it the way he did.

Spock pulled away and the emotions lingered. It was then that he realized the "I don't believe in no win scenario's" if James T. Kirk had believed in know win scenario's he would have died a long time ago, he would have gone over the cliff with the car, he would have stopped running and let the men kill him, he would have taken the kicks and punches with open arms, he would have stopped fight, Spock had believed it was futile to try to win, he believed that going back was the most logical but know he saw it wasn't the most logical it was the safest, and the most likely to get people killed. Spock looked at Kirk and then to his father, it was time to let go.


End file.
